254. Writing About Grief from Losing a Beloved Animal

*Content Warning: Topics of pet death and grief

Author Maribeth Decker talks about her book Peace in Passing, discusses her work as an animal communicator, and the process of grief when you lose a beloved pet.
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Visit Maribeth's website:
https://sacredgrove.com/
Maribeth Decker - YouTube

Get Peace in Passing:
https://sacredgrove.com/pipsecondedition/

Transcript

Jennia: Hello, I'm Jennia D' Lima. Welcome to Writing and Editing, the podcast for people who write, edit, read, or listen. I'm so pleased to announce that Maribeth Decker, author of Peace in Passing, is here with us today. This is Writing About Grief from Losing a Beloved Animal. Thanks so much for coming, Maribeth. Glad you're here!

Maribeth: Oh, I'm so glad to be here, Jennia! The way we started our talk, I knew we're in the right place because we started with dog talk. So that's always a good way to bond. I am an animal communicator, medical intuitive, and energy healer. And my focus these days is animal communication with the assistance of these other two things that I do, the medical intuition and the energy healing. But I love communicating with animals. And I'm saying right up front, I was not born an animal communicator, which I think is a good thing for many of us who were just to say, if it can happen to me, it can happen to you. We can all have that loving connection with our animals—

Jennia: Mhm.

Maribeth: —hope I'm talking to the right people here, and we can build on that connection and even get an intuitive connection started. So I wrote my book, Peace in Passing, probably because the first two animals that I communicated intuitively with that I knew that I was doing this were two dogs that had passed.

Jennia: Ohh.

Maribeth: My dog, Timmy, and then my girl dog, Eddie, who my kids named—so it's not my fault (both laugh). Okay! Having had that experience and some other experiences about knowing that animals survive death and also working with a lot of people through their grief and working with their animals as they're starting to decline...

Jennia: Yeahhh.

Maribeth: I felt like we could write a book about this, navigate through that leg of their life where you always knew there was an ending, but now it's like, okay, it's real.

Jennia: Yeah. It's just like, there's a little comic I saw once that shows a guy adopting a dog, and it says, I'm going to have the best twelve years of my life and then the worst day of my life. And I think that just really sums up, yeah, you know, you're probably going to outlive them and that this day is coming. So when you were first thinking about this book, knowing all this, did you see there was a gap in the market, that there weren't a lot of resources out there for people dealing with losing an animal?

Maribeth: There's been some great books out there by some animal communicators. What I wanted to do is give my version and my story and my reality.

Jennia: Mhm.

Maribeth: Sometimes I think we do feel called to share our own version on a subject. I do think that I was being called to add my voice to this area.

Jennia: Yeah, I agree. Especially because of something like this, where it is so personal, but you know that you can take those personal moments and use it to help other people, just if only so they don't feel so alone in what they're going through and seeing that there is hope of some kind.

Maribeth: Absolutely. And the fact that Timmy, the first guy, my Hawaiian Poi dog—we got him off the street—he came back, and when he made himself known, he was actually sitting in my dining room. That's how it felt. It wasn't the ghost stories of, like, oh, I could barely see his outline or something—looked like that guy was sitting there looking at me. And to know that he survived death, and he had a big grin on his face, and he'd come back to let me know he was doing okay. Man, that was such a comfort. That's, like, my lead feeling about what people need to know is that—I've always believed humans survive death, the physical death, but now I know that animals do too. And there's the personality, I will even go as far as to say, as a soul that passes on. And I needed people to hear that and hear other people's stories about knowing that.

Jennia: Yeah. When you were writing it, how were you able to balance it so it wasn't so heavy on the losing part that it became overwhelming?

Maribeth: Well, I did shed a lot of tears, I have to say. I don't think you want to be—we don't want to shut ourselves off from our real feelings, right?

Jennia: Oh true, yeah.

Maribeth: But I need someone who can find humor in things and lightness in things. And there have been some great stories when people start to feel sad and they start to realize that the end is coming. And I remember something from Monty Python skit, and the story itself is not something I want to share because their humor is terrible. But it was, "I'm not dead yet!"

Jennia: Yes!

Maribeth: There's, like, a humor in that, that the dog or the cat or the horse or the hamster or the snake is looking at you, she's saying, "What are you doing? I'm not dead yet. Come on, we got time here! Let's not waste it on you and your boohooing."

Jennia: Oh yeah.

Maribeth: I don't think they're actually saying that, but I think they should. And that's why I put it in the book, is—"I'm not dead yet!" And I do think that at times that when I've connected with animals that I've heard stories like of them saying, "Yeah, I'm getting old and stuff hurts, but I'm getting older. I'm okay with it. Let's keep going and don't put that stuff on me."

Jennia: Yeah, I can see that. And it's so hard not to just because we know the devastation is coming. And so sometimes I think even just that reminder that it's approaching is almost more than we can handle it at any given time and keeping all that restraint. And then, of course, if we see our animal that we love, but we also see them as a source of comfort...

Maribeth: Yeah, and that is—I think these days many of our animals have been a source of huge comfort for us. Sad to say, a lot of them do a better job than our human companions and including us to our human companions, I'm not pointing the finger out without pointing it back! And we know we're going to miss that because there's something there in who they are and how they treat us that is so life affirming, I guess that's the way to say it.

Jennia: Yeah, I agree.

Maribeth: So it's a huge loss. The other part that is very difficult for people is most of us these days make a decision about when we will euthanize, when we will end our beloved companions life.

Jennia: Right.

Maribeth: Those words you can feel the weight of them.

Jennia: Oh, gosh, yes (both laugh).

Maribeth: And we don't have that same dilemma with humans. And so now we're wondering, and I've talked to so many people, did we let them go too soon?

Jennia: Mhm, or even too late? I've heard that as well, yeah. All the guilt that comes with that. And it just adds this extra component that now we need to deal with and somehow become okay with. So how do you walk people through that decision or all those negative feelings that come with it?

Maribeth: If I'm working with them, we go in and I connect with the animal to find out how they're feeling physically and emotionally. And sometimes they'll validate what the medical folks are saying about how badly the body is doing. Sometimes they won't, and they'll just say, "I'm hanging in there." But if they're starting to say, "I'm not having fun anymore," then that's useful information for their people. Or if we're starting to add that in that there's even some dementia...

Jennia: Mhm.

Maribeth: Sometimes that information is helpful for them understanding what they're dealing with with their beloved companion. But what I wanted to put into the book, because it's what I have learned in my connecting with animals, is that I have not met but one animal in, I think, thousands now—the only thing they bring across to this life and spirit is the love that we have for them and that they have for us. I have not met those who have grudges. I've not met grudged—grudgeful—if that's a word, animals in the afterlife. And their connection and their love for us is really what supports them in the transition and beyond.

Jennia: That's just so good to hear. And I know people can't see, but I'm already emotional just from listening to this. But in a positive way as well, not just a negative way. You know, you can't help but think about the animals you've had in your own life and the decisions that maybe you've regretted because you feel like you didn't do the right thing. And I think that's one thing that as we were talking about a little bit, it separates those feelings of grief we have for an animal over a person, because we are given a lot of extra responsibility for making these day- to- day decisions. And it will often come down to them living or not living another day, another week, another month. And then how do you deal with that? Even just knowing that in addition to their end of life, like the very, very end of their life, you have all these other moments leading up to it, and you know that those are also going to be filled with their own kind of grief.

Maribeth: Yeah, I even actually rewrote my book, I did the second edition—it came out, I think, early 2022—to talk about the fact that our grief doesn't start when we made the appointment to let them go. It starts the moment we get some kind of a terrible diagnosis, or we see some real decline in their physical or mental capabilities. And so, I wanted to start sharing mindsets that might help. But one of them was, "I'm not dead yet!" (both laugh) And then others is like, "Are there alternative therapies that can help them with various things to keep them comfortable or else keep them moving?

Jennia: Mhm.

Maribeth: So I covered a lot of that, so from all those therapies and the mindsets, we also have a mindset that could be really useful for people, and I call it, "They gave you their medical power of attorney." When they came and found you, you guys chose each other, they didn't put it in writing, but they said, "You, human, I trust you to make the right decisions about me. I know you love me. Do it." And so whatever decision we made, I believe they already said, "I do that willingly as part of our agreement to live together."

Jennia: Yeah. I think the addition of mindsets is one of those things where it does make you feel better when you're reading this because it takes away a lot of maybe that guilt or shame because you didn't notice something right away, and maybe you thought that it was just something particular to that animal and not a health condition. You know, I'm thinking about, so often we hear about, "Oh, my dog started looking kind of patchy" or whatever, some sort of physical deterioration that maybe just looked like they weren't hygienic or you weren't brushing them often enough, and so (laughs) you know, just stories I've heard or that have popped up online or in different various pet groups or something.

Maribeth: Exactly. And the way I put it was, they're not expecting us to be perfect because that's the human mindset. You got to do it right. You got to do it perfect. If every decision is made with love, you can't go wrong. The love is the part that they pick up on and understand and hold on to. So that's another mindset shift is: you don't have to be perfect. You just have to make your decisions with love and what's best for both of you, truly.

Jennia: I think that just goes so perfectly with animal companions because it's like we've talked about, that they don't expect us to be perfect, but they never have. And that's also why the relationships we have with them are so unique compared to with humans, where it might be conditional or dependent upon doing a certain thing, acting a certain way, looking a certain way. Your animal really doesn't care.

Maribeth: They do not care (both laugh). Yeah, they're just like, "My beloved human. Another day with you. Yay!"

Jennia: When you're writing this book, or even in the book itself, do you ever address how other people might sometimes react to the grief that we have from losing an animal?

Maribeth: I do. We talked about people who think, "Oh, it's only an animal. Get over it. It's just a dog, get another one. Holy cow." And I talk about the fact that grief is deep, is strong, or sometimes stronger than for some of the humans we thought we would have a certain amount of grief for, that it was even harder. There's no timeline that says, "Oh, you should be finished by now."

Jennia: Mhm.

Maribeth: The word I've used before is grief hijacks us. It is not rational. You'll see something, you'll see their bed, or you'll see a favorite toy, or you'll have a memory, and that grief will just grab you and shake you right up. And it's not a choice. And there's nothing wrong with that. I think, as far as I can tell, that is normal. And it shows how much we love them. I could still talk about my animals who have been gone for years and still feel that sadness.

Jennia: Mhm.

Maribeth: I don't think it's wrong. I do worry about the people who have made the grief their way of life. I do think there's somewhere where you have to trust that they're doing fine, and they want you to build a new life that includes them in a different way, as a memory, as someone they can communicate with, because they're still there, they're still around. But not make that bring you into sadness that never ends, depression, things like that. That's not what they'd want for us, but we're going to get sad, and it's okay. And so I talk about that.

Jennia: I think that's so important too. It's not that we necessarily need permission to be sad or to still grieve, but sometimes that's all you need, is for someone to say, "It's normal and it's okay. You don't need to feel like you should hold this back. You're not wrong for feeling this way."

Maribeth: No. No, there's just a part of you that needs to feel it fully and truly part of the healing process is that's another piece that gets released if you let it. Then you might even say in your tears, you talk to them and remember something that you so loved about them. Many times with my little dog, Stella, I would start to miss her and cry. And then I would remember how when we went walking in the springtime, she'd always find a baby turtle and look up at me and—she had it gently in her mouth, showing me—take it out of her mouth and say, "No, you can't have a pet turtle. This baby wants to stay in the park." And yeah we saw annually, she'd find her baby turtle. And that little memory just like, oh, yeah. You are such a joy, kiddo.

Jennia: Aww, that's sweet.

Maribeth: And I'm saying, please apply this to yourself. Find that joyful memory that you could feel like you're sharing it with them.

Jennia: So even though we haven't spoken directly so much about writing about grief, you've answered some of these questions anyway just by mentioning what you've covered. But yes, you've mentioned talking about the actual feelings, addressing those feelings, finding hope in what comes after, but even also talking about the healing process and now finding the joyful memories to look back on instead. So there really is a balance there. And while there's not a timeline for grief, it almost seems like there's a timeline for each step in our grief and moving from that raw gut punch feeling to maybe this part, and then how we move along the healing process so that we can at least live with our grief.

Maribeth: I think that's perfectly spoken. The thing with the timeline is it looks like a nice, steady slope that takes you where you're going, and it is actually falling down, getting back up, doing good for a while, and then tripping over some rock in the road you didn't see, and getting back up (both laugh) and it slows out after a while, but you know that it's good. And writing about it, I did have the feelings—and I had other people, friends, and clients, and family share their stories in the book, so I had them share stories in different areas. I thought it'd be good for people to hear other people's experiences, the real experiences, and think about how they could use that for their own healing.

Jennia: Yeah, I think that's so important too, just because the way that we are able to deal with something might not always be the best way for someone else. But then when you have that variety of experiences, there might be that one that just really, really speaks to you and you have that aha moment and, "I should try this because I feel like this is really what's going to be the one that works for me."

Maribeth: Exactly, exactly. Well, that's what I was hoping, is that each section, each part will provide another way of getting through this time—

Jennia: Mhm.

Maribeth: —as best as you can. And then really on the other side, starting to feel peace about what a great being you have in your life. And even though you weren't perfect, the good outweighed the bad so clearly.

Jennia: Yes that is. I agree.

Jennia: Well, thank you again for being here. I think this has been probably the most emotional episode that I have ever recorded so far (both laugh). I mean, again not that listeners can see this, but one of my dogs is sleeping right at my feet this entire time. So you have those moments where it's hard not to think about some of these situations while your animal is right there physically touching you and knowing that this is where it all is going to go to someday. But knowing that there's hope and knowing that there are resources out there, it makes it all more bearable.

Maribeth: Thank you for saying that, because this is a tough subject. That's all I can say (both laugh). It's a tough subject.

Jennia: Thank you again.

Jennia: And that's all for today. Thank you so much for listening. And please check out the show notes for more information and links. And please join me next week as Finnian Burnett comes to tell us all about self care for writers. Thank you.